In a shocking prediction that will shock absolutely no one, the first half of the Panthers v Rabbitohs game and the entirety of the Knights v Tigers game was enough to show that there will be some almighty kicks this year.
It makes no sense for the weaker teams to show up if the Panthers and Rabbits play at that pace and intensity and it’s only Round 2.
Fortunately, on-field performance rarely affects memorable moments, so let’s get to it.
1. Raiders (last round – second)
Health inspectors have called for urgent testing of Canberra’s drinking water as, unlike head coach of more than 20 years, Ricky Stewart admitted the Raiders failed to turn the odds around to win.
This shocking development has deeply disturbed the league’s passionate supporters, and a GoFundMe has been set up to help find the real Ricky. Validating the match medical services, Corey Harawira-Naera’s HIA has confirmed an ankle injury.
2. Eels (last round – third)
Bryce Cartwright’s decision to mentor the left-back defense appears to be on track, and the Eels have now lost two straight against potential top-four teams. This of course means that the premiership window has well and truly closed while Brad Arthur enjoys the full support of the board. In positive news, Ryan Matherson maintained his Round 1 form.
3. Panthers (last round – eighth)
Annoyed by the amount of attention Tom Trbojevic was receiving, Nathan handed Cleary his beer before focusing on his groin. Well, the injury was to his groin the way his belly bone connects to his foot bone, but Brad Fittler’s explanation that he did hip thrusts to correct an ankle injury exposed the gaps in our high school biology.
In keeping with the high school theme, special credit to Jarome Luai’s social media post choking Jamon Salmon: really funny response to some stupid report.
4. Dolphins (last round – first)
After footage of Round 1 media participation, Dolphins administrators attended emergency meetings with RSPCA officials. It’s an ominous sign when players look forward to post-match press, but NRL YouTube views have soared since Wayne Bennett’s return.
The club then issued a statement assuring social groups that no journalists were harmed during the filming.
5. Bronco (last round – fourth)
Strong insights into the Broncos’ route system this week. After the success of sending Rhys Walsh to the Warriors for development, Brisbane tried the same with David Fifita after last round when he had one break in one game. The Broncos have every right to be disappointed. they have every right to expect their Gold Coast feeder club to let go of a player they didn’t want back after the 2022 season.
In other news, Kevvy’s pre-match insight into Rhys Walsh being a footballer has us wondering about the other 16.
6. Dragons (Last round – 9th)
The Dragons went and spoiled my prepared notes by playing some entertaining attacking footy, leaving Hook just one win away from negotiating a contract extension. Reports from the field suggest that the team song has been changed to My Sharona. Originally a tribute to on-course talisman Aaron Woods, who was notably absent from the weekend’s victory, it was later revealed that the 2022 tactic was created in the same year (1979, for Googlers).
7. Sharks (Last round – 17th)
Despite winning an extremely entertaining game against last year’s grand finalists, the kiss of death came loud and wet; Mitchell Moses had a good game. As we’re often reminded, Moses isn’t going for the big games, which means the Sharks have to sit in a much less flattering category. Good news. Mitchell didn’t freeze it, making the Sharks only 50% less flattering.
8. Roosters (Last round – 7th)
Roosters conspiracy theorists will be thrilled that the objectionable incident against Latrell Mitchell somehow became about Trent Robinson. Great to see the Roosters getting so much coverage on an incident that doesn’t concern them. Our best wishes to Trent for a speedy recovery.
(Photo by Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images)
9. Cowboys (Last round – 10th)
With JT13 airing JT2016 early, the Cowboys looked ominous before switching it up and going full Forrest Gump. This had everything from those fantastic brown soft centers that everyone strives for to those nasty nuts that are only good for shoving into the abyss of your snoring aunt’s gaping face. Meanwhile, the club doctor has prescribed sedatives for Todd Payten until the team’s performances stabilize.
10. Knights (Last Round – 6th)
AOB turned the coaching corner, producing a team that played so poorly it didn’t deserve to win, but still managed to claim the cookies. It was a display of O’Brien’s Roosters coaching pedigree, the very reason he was brought to the club. Eyeing a post-NRL career, Jackson Hastings has applied to be Director of Culture and Wellbeing at the Tigers.
11. Hurricane (Last round – 11th)
Administrators are desperately rewriting the Coaching Master Handbook after Craig Bellamy’s half-time spurt failed to ignite a second-half revival. Storm watching isn’t the same without assistant coaches dodging flying furniture in the dugout and players in life jackets struggling under a deluge of spit. I hope Bellamy gets back to form soon. In other news, NRL accounts concerned about revenue shortfall with Nelson now 2 weeks without fine.
12. West Tigers (Last Round – 15th)
Change is uncomfortable and painful, so the Tigers are committed to keeping their fans comfortable while maintaining their 2022 look. It’s legitimately difficult to maintain, so weeks of attacking impotence, and the team should be commended for their commitment. Hollywood has tapped Luke Brooks to reprise his role as Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind. The offer follows the efforts of Brooks, who ran a geometrically perfect lap when attacking in the final moments of the match.
13. Titans (Last round – 13th)
A timely comeback is shaping up for the Titans, who have shown they have some fantastic offensive weapons, but defense remains optional. Marque’s David Fifita played the full 80 minutes, returning the favor for a player whose future is now secure. We also learned that Keiran Foran bought a house, great news for those wondering what he lives in.
14. Bulldogs (Last round – 12th)
In round 1, the Doggies moved from “experiment failed” to “Ciraldo’s early favorite for coach of the year.” Cameron Ciraldo, the coaches and the playing group seem like a composed, respectful and genuinely likable bunch. Luckily they have Gus Gould and the return of Tevita Pangai Jnr to keep us entertained.
15. Warriors (Last round – 14th)
The Warriors are struggling to return to their “everyone’s second team” status, earned by taking a hit from the team during COVID, but are now being chased by solid, professional performances against fancier opposition. It just doesn’t give us much to talk about.
16. Sea Eagles (Last Round – 5th)
A disappointing effort from the World Pride Eagles as they picked up two points but otherwise stayed completely out of the headlines. You can do better guys.
Bye – Rabbitohs (Last Round – Round of 16)
It’s hard to say anything (vaguely) cute without looking like a given this week in bad taste, so let’s give the bunnies an award from Memorable Moments.