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| This picture is old (2020?) but I no longer have that shirt |
As I said yesterday, I’m not going to weigh in today. After being away for a week and completely out of my comfort zone, it wouldn’t even do my weight justice. I will follow up on my Wednesday weigh in results next week.
I want to write about something that I always assumed was pretty obvious, but maybe not to some people; I don’t write *everything* about me or my life on my blog. There are a lot of personal things that I just choose not to write about for whatever reason. I share a lot here (probably too much), which is why I’m sure some people feel like they know me (and I love that. I feel like I know a lot of you too).
However, when I’m going through a tough time, sometimes I don’t want to write about it (or it’s not my story to tell). And I don’t feel like I owe anyone an explanation (even if I want to “defend” myself from criticism). In the past year or so, I’ve been going through a pretty rough patch, and some things I choose to share and others I choose not to. I went through something pretty traumatic last year and it’s not something I feel comfortable opening up about. I’m still working on getting over it, but that’s one of the reasons I’m so emotional.
When people don’t have the whole picture, it hurts when I’m judged simply for what I choose to write about. I write about all kinds of things, the good and the bad, so it’s not like I’m only picking the best parts of my life to share. (That’s for people to do on Facebook, hahaha)
This is a personal blog, and I’m aware that I’m open to criticism for posting it publicly (and constructive criticism is fine), but I also ask that harsh judgment be reserved for the whole picture and not just parts of me. the life. I’m downplaying a lot of my emotions here because I’m trying to “stay positive”. and “look on the bright side”. However, when I write vulnerable posts like this, I’m always honest about what I choose to share.
My blog has changed so much, especially over the past eight years. I was very honest and wrote very personal things. but as time goes on my writing becomes more and more vanilla. I try to avoid certain topics that I know people will read too deeply; I don’t write much about mental health anymore, even though it’s a big part of my life; I’ve given up on writing about budgeting because people don’t know our whole financial picture. I could write a whole post about why I don’t share food logs anymore. And parenting? That just opens up a huge can of worms.
I don’t have thick skin, never have, and maybe blogging was the wrong choice for me. I never thought that my blog would attract so many readers. when I started writing, there were a handful of people who had been reading my “online magazine” for a decade. (I started blogging in 2000, only it was on a different platform. I switched to Blogger simply because it was easier to share pictures with posts. I didn’t realize how much more revealing it would be.)
When people treat me badly, it hurts. Even when they are complete strangers. I wish I could “scratch it” as all my friends and family tell me, but for someone like me, it’s not that simple. I take everything to heart; when i try my best to be nice and it is poorly received i feel like there is something wrong with me. Then I overthink it to death.
Over the past few years, people (not necessarily my blog readers, but just people in general) have become so sensitive to everything; I constantly wonder if I’m saying something that might offend people. Or use a word that is no longer politically correct. Or making a joke that people might not understand is a joke. When I write, I always have good intentions and never want to offend people. Most of the time it is easier to avoid certain topics altogether.
People who know me in real life know that I’m a really nice person. I’m shy but always polite and do my best to make people feel comfortable. I try to see the best in people, even those who don’t like me. I am generous with friends, family, and strangers, and I don’t post about those things because I don’t do them for recognition. I just like to make people happy.
Not everyone is going to like me, just like I’m not going to like everyone I meet. However, I do my best not to judge people (and if I do, I usually catch myself quickly and change that thinking). I’m extremely empathetic (to a fault, of course) and always try to put myself in someone else’s shoes before judging.
I recognize that everyone is different and I respect other people’s opinions (even though I don’t always agree). I don’t think there is a “one size fits all” approach to many topics: diet, exercise, parenting, financial decisions, etc., and I definitely keep that in mind when talking to others.
So when I say I feel overwhelmed (and I have for a year now), I keep a lot of it to myself. Sometimes I don’t want to open myself up to criticism on certain topics, and sometimes there are things I just want to keep private.
Because of my hypercorrection and because I always want to make sure people are happy, I put a lot of pressure on myself. And when people aren’t happy for whatever reason, even if it’s nothing to do with me, I blame myself for it. (I know this doesn’t make sense, and it’s something I’ve discussed many times in therapy, but I think it’s just part of who I am.)
I want to do what I can to “fix” it and make things better so people can be happy again. Because I don’t really have the strength to do it, I feel like I’ve failed as a mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, aunt, niece, in-law, in-law blogger, pet mom, neighbor, and probably other hats that i fill
It really makes me sad when I see some of the comments people leave for each other on social media. I don’t use Facebook anymore (well, maybe I check the feed every 2-3 weeks); I rarely use Instagram, although I think it’s more positive than Facebook; and I don’t use Twitter, Snapchat, TikTok, or any other platform that people use to say mean things. I know of at least two teenagers (through my children) who have recently taken their own lives, and the comments they received on social media played a large role in their suicides.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan’t of me being so vulnerable or so dark. The short version is that none of us know the whole story of what other people are going through. Judging someone based on a short segment of their life isn’t fair to them. In a perfect world, we would all be kind to each other and if we didn’t have something nice to say, we wouldn’t say anything at all.
Obviously, it’s not a perfect world, but that doesn’t stop us from doing what we have the power to do. We have a choice to decide how we treat others, and I believe that the way we choose speaks volumes about us. As much as I want to rant about the comments I might get sometimes, I prefer not to engage in such behavior. To be a truly good person, I have to act like one, and if more people did that, maybe we’d have a perfect world. Hey, I can dream 😉
Note: I want to make sure that those of you who have been kind to me in any way, be it comments, cards, gifts, emails, etc. appreciate each and every one of you. I would have quit blogging eight years ago if I hadn’t fallen in love with so many nice people. I want you to feel this heartfelt thanks <3